And I lack it.

I don't know what the matter with me is.  I'm like a little kid when it comes to waiting for things, there's a little voice in my head that keeps  asking "Are we there yet?!" ever so often. This happens around Wednesdays when I'm hoping for a Friday filled with fun, it also happens when I have concert tickets for Radiohead annd two weeks just can come soon enough, but seriously...Having to wait another month to see my man is driving me insane.

It's hard to cope with this new feeling, I rarely miss someone. I get anxious, and impatient so I can get home and talk to him online, or I wait until I have an empty house and use the phone for an hour. These things only aggravate me more, make me miss him more, and get me a little sensitive and moody.

Honestly, at times I feel pathetic. But it's just that I'm so sure things there will be sooooo (easy on the O's) oooo good with him, that  being here, waiting, becomes pointless to me. I know what I want, I have what I want (miles away, but he's all mine), but I just can't get it when I want it. Oh yeah, I feel kind of bratty, too.

But guys! You have to see the things he does for me or the sweet things he says, and then he says dirty things, and it just makes it even harder on me. Here, just so you can get the idea of how adorable he is:

NOTE: Every night, we update out Facebook status with something related to the number of day of the countdown we're on. This was two nights ago.

L:  baby, we're on day 32 of our countdown, so why does your status say 25?
Z: thats how old youll be when im 32
L: i'll be 26
Z: and itll be funny because when that day comes we will remember this
Z: no you wont
Z: on the day i turn 32
L: ok, when you TURN 32, then
Z: you will be 25
L: okay, gotcha
L: and by the way...
L: that's adorable, and i love how you said we'll remember this.
Z: well ,we will 
Z: duh
Z:we both have good memories

Point is...I can't wait to see him, and kiss him, and go to his shows, and the beach, and whatever we spontaniously come up with, like that day we bought a pound of gummy bears and ate them till I got a sugar rush. And I'm sorry I post this on Xanga for people to read.

xxx

-L

PS: I promise I'll give up blogging when I become a mom (that'll be years away from now) so you won't have to read the crap I'll write about the baby's development or first burp.

Have you ever realized, that even with out trying, with out actually noticing, you're now different and you feel better?

My best friend pointed this out the other night when I asked her to please listen to a song, and she didn't understand the lyrics, so I had to explain. My explanation was if I had written the song myself, and she was amused by how recently I 've gotten so in to music: the meaning of lyrics, spending money on concert itckets, or downloading different versions of the same song.

When did this happen?
"A short while after summer, when you became closer to him." Ah, makes sense. I am now the girlfriend of a musician.

And it's not just that, but I've also stopped feeling scared and I've also started compromising. Believe me, for someone who wants to make a career out of debating/arguing, I just always had to have things my way. In past relaionships, I'd never admit to losing and argument, but only cause they'd never have a good offer to make. Call me selfish, but I honestly don't risk making sacrifices I know I'll later regret or I'm sure they won't be payed back. By this I mean, I'm not going to let a relationship suck the life or wear me out. Last time this happened, I was depressed for three whole months.

And top top my list of things that just seem oh so different to me, he might say the dirtiest, most forward, or honest comment I've ever heard, and I don't freak out of get offended. Last night, he asked me if I'f consider moving in with him once I'm there. Oh, and no need to worry, he'd make sure I could stay, as in...cough, putting a ring on my chubby finger.

Okay okay, this might sound rushed to you all, but we've known each other for two years, we've talked every day for hours for at least the past 6 to 7 months, and we have our own ways of showing each other how much we care about the other.
Alas, I had to say no to the moving in part. just becaue I've been looking forward to living alone for so long and this is my chance, and I need to enjoy it. I need to be completely independant and self sufficient for a bit.

Although...Last January, I made the decision that once in a while, I'd do something completely crazy and unexpected because I realized there was always somethingt o gain from there experiences, either the best laugh of your life, or a hilarious story to tell my grandchildren. This phylosophy is the one that got me in the middle of a bullfighting ring with a cape and a calf (they still have little horns, you know..), the one that got me onstage with Damien Rice , and the reason why I now bare a scar on my elbow the size of a dime.

 So here's a thought, what's so crazy about being with someone who wouldn't mind morning breath and would be willing to do the dishes together just to spend extra minutes together?

Comeback, kid.

I think it's about time I start doing this creatively expressing myself thing again. Ok, ranting, you can call it ranting.

I have figured out what I want to do with my life.
I'm only 4 and half months away from graduating, and I seriously can't wait. I have big plans for myself. Among them? Moving out, moving away, getting my barista job back, going to college and maybe even  the whole sex shebang, cause apparently being a virgin in college automatically makes you:

a) A target for all the sleaze bags looking for a young pray.
b) Sexually disoriented.
c)Weird.

Plus, I have my own personal reasons to belive it's time I let go of all my high morals after being raised like a good Catholic girl. Well, Jesus and I remain amicable, but I think he'd understand this.

Ever since I was around 9, I've told my mom "By the time I'm 18, I'm going to move out and be happy". Last Summer I've decided to make my threat a reality, so I started looking in to college abroad, and with a little help of my friends (and their mom, who works there, I'm not just quoting the Beatles), I found a great option. I had fallen in love with a place and my options there were twice as good than if I stay, so it was time to get things moving.

Meanwhile, I was falling for something else. Someone, to be precise. I met him 2 years ago, my first summer there, he was a coworker and he was great. We had this sort of connection, in spite of out 6 year age difference. Now, after a long story, involving exes, misunderstandings, and backstabbing, he's counting down the days and waiting for me. We're making plans, we're having fun, we're making ourselves happy.

I know, this is kind of a risk to take, he's older, more experienced, he has no reason to stay commited to me at the moment...yaddah yaddah. I don't care. I need to do this, I'm sick of playing it safe and being under a microscope, where my mother's biggest fear is me ending up as a waitress for the rest of my life cause the tips are good.

So, here begins another tale for you, anybody who bothers reading this. One that will jump back in time, or will include abstracs of conversations, maybe some tears, maybe some poems or self flagelation. But who cares about a bumpy ride when the scenery is fan-fucking-tastic?

-L